Not-So-Immaculate Mind

2012-01-20T00:27:00.004+11:00

Ten days.

Ten days and it felt like years.

Ten days ever since her funeral, and Znarf felt like his life was being sucked out of him.

He had cried until his eyes were swollen and he cried some more.

No sounds. No choked voice. Just tears. Tears that he could not prevent from falling.

His mind was blank. His rational mind escaped him.

In those ten days, he felt like his heart was about to cease beating because of the excessive ache.

Loneria.

His heart called for her. Screamed for her. His eyes stared at the distant memories. Ones that he could not touch.

Loneria. Loneria. Loneria.

The shock was too powerful.

It was during his usual morning meeting with the ministers when his tears fell openly and he did not even realize it. The startled ministers halted the meeting and urged their king to take a rest for as long as he pleased.

The so-called-‘rest’ tormented him even more.

Loneria.

Loneria!

He buried his face on the pillow. His fist hit the material once, twice, thrice...

Loneria!

A hit.

Loneria!!!

Another hit.

This time his fist was caught mid-air.

"Znarf."

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

He struggled to bring his hand down, only to find that it was firmly held. He did not even have to see the person.

It was that wretched elf.

"Stop it, Znarf."

Leave me!

Alone!

He was pulled backward, strongly.

His back came in contact with a broad chest. He tried to escape, yet an arm had circled around his torso, effectively preventing from doing so, keeping him firmly in place.

"Stop it, Znarf."

"Let go of me!"

Znarf struggled. The elf stubbornly persisted against his thrashing, now using both arms.

"Znarf."

"I said, let go of me!"

The tears had once again streamed down freely, openly now. Znarf hated them being seen but he had no strength to keep them from falling.

"You killed her! You! You killed her!" he shouted, hoarsely, with whatever voice left in him. He could feel himself breaking.

He started to throw aimless punches and kicks. Some managed to graze the other male. In his silence, he remained undeterred; Znarf was held within his arms still.

And then... Znarf slowed down, and came into a stop. His breaths were short and quickened.

He, at last, sat silently, unmoved, except for his head that leaned backward, onto the other's shoulder.

Znarf closed his eyes.

A second later, sleep clutched him. A dreamless sleep. One that he wished so much for the past days.

The elf kept on embracing the sleeping king. Little by little, the tears were wiped away.

He tenderly kissed Znarf's closed eyelids.

"Sleep well, Znarf.”

He lowered Znarf onto the bed, and blanketed him carefully.

The elf remained at his side, guarding him through his slumber.

-----

The ache was still there when he awoke; that ache that had been relentlessly cutting his breath short and eroding his beating heart. His head was heavy; he could feel his temples pounding. It felt like he had slept forever, yet he was so exhausted. He propped himself up with a great difficulty, only to hear a calm voice commanding him otherwise.

“Go back to sleep. It’s not even close to dawn.”

He looked at his side, and found the accursed figure was leaning against the window frame; the elf’s eyes were on the dark sky.

“…how long did I sleep?” Znarf was reluctant to return to his slumber; he pressed his palms on each of his temples, attempting to soothe the sting.

“Not enough. Considering you barely slept at all recently… I still think you need to sleep more.”

“How long,” his tone was insistent.

The reply was calm and precise, completely ignoring Znarf’s unpleasant tone, “Close to two days.”

That answer drove Znarf into silence.

“You needed it.”

Znarf replied sarcastically with an undertone of defeat, “Isn’t that obvious?”

“Of course,” he was answered as-a-matter-of-fact, tranquil, and that disturbed Znarf even more.

However, Znarf found no strength in him to add further comment, and the elf did not intend to antagonize him at all. Tiredly, Znarf gave up and threw himself back onto the bed.

It was a bad idea, as now the pounding strike mercilessly and he hissed.

Being quick to notice the reaction of pain, an offer was delivered gently, “Should I get you something to ease that?”

“Stop. Just, stop. There is nothing you can do to ease this.”

“I’m talking about your headache.”

“Thank you for being very specific. I am certain that this headache is the result of your doing, however. In that case, no, you still can’t ease it.”

“Suit yourself.”

How could the murderer of his wife possibly ease his devastation? The wretched, cursed elf had taken away his hope. Znarf had believed that he could have it all back, his family back, his happily-ever-after ending. Somehow, shy of two weeks ago, he was proven terribly wrong.

Now, nothing seemed worth the fight anymore.

What was I fighting for… What was I fighting against…

There was only him and Zeon.

Znarf knew exactly what Zeon wanted. Maybe… he should just give Zeon what he wanted, however foolish it might sound to be.

Of course, by that time, he was no longer concerned about what was foolish or not.

“Zeon.”

He heard Zeon stirred – the curtain’s movement gave it away – possibly out of surprise that Znarf had addressed him by name. It had always been ‘elf’. Or ‘wretched elf’. Or none at all.

Zeon, however, did not move from his place.

“Zeon,” Znarf tried, once more.

“What is it,” the tone was cautious.

“Bed me.”

He was met by a long silence. Neither of them moved.

It annoyed Znarf to no end.

“You’ve always wanted this. Now the opportunity presents itself. Why the hesitation?” he taunted.

“Heh. Excuse me then for failing to trust my ears,” Zeon taunted back, “Am I to face the fact that you, you of all people, actually just told, no, commanded me to take you?”

Znarf hissed, “Yes. Is it that hard to understand?”

“This isn’t funny, Znarf,” the voice was solemn.

Znarf groaned in exasperation, “Surely you can’t be serious. Should we go back throwing punches and kicks, yelling at each other like before, since you actually prefer that? Maybe that’s your idea of foreplay! I should’ve known!”

“Exactly the point! You’ve spent all time fighting me back and now you just give yourself like you’re some sort of a cheap prize! Pardon me, your majesty, but I still think that is very difficult to believe.”

They fell into a pregnant pause and Znarf was exhausted.

Placing his lower arm upon his eyes, he spoke in a resigned tone, “Just... get this over with, Zeon.”

The reply came swiftly, “You do realize of what will become of your poorly conceived statement, my dear Znarf.”

The steps coming near to his bed were angry; the voice made it very apparent, “You do realize that I do not merely want your body. I want you. All of you. Your body. Your soul. Your heart.”

“Your everything,” the menacing emphasize on the short sentence was powerful.

The dark green eyes bore down at him sharply, “Knowing this, will you still make the same statement?”

The statements renewed his cynical energy which caused Znarf to challenge the strict gaze and scoffed, “I just realized that you are indeed very foolish.”

“Need I to remind you that you’ve just asked this foolish person to fuck you?”

“Need I to remind you that you’ve just refused the offer, after spending years and years trying to do so?”

“I’ve told you…”

“Sadly, the evidences said otherwise. Of course what topped that was the murder of my wife. Don’t tell me you forget about it already, wretched elf. And here you are, declaring that you want my everything. What foolishness.”

Zeon parted his lips to reply, but then pursed them instead.

Seeing this, Znarf sighed and closed his eyes, “I have just offered you my body. Either you take it, or you don’t. It’s as simple as that, Zeon.”

“I murdered your wife and you offered me your body, why?”

“Because I’ve lost the fight, and this is your prize. A cheap prize, like you said,” Znarf opened his eyes.

Zeon saw different things in his eyes, “Lies. Give me the truth, Znarf.”

“For gods’ sake, Zeon. I get it. You don’t want a broken toy,” Znarf shifted and turned his body; his back facing Zeon, “Yes, you’ve broken me. Aren’t you ecstatic?”

Zeon did not answer.

“You should be. You really should. For the life of me, I don’t even know why I thought that maybe for one night… just for one lousy night… that you could make me forget about everything else.”

His shoulder was snatched and his back was shoved against the mattress. Once again he met Zeon’s gaze that was filled with disbelief, “Znarf…”

They stayed like that; Zeon hovering above him, his hands planted on each of Znarf’s sides. Zeon’s extremely long hair was cascading down, enveloping both of them like a cocoon.

Znarf reached up, his arms circling around Zeon’s back, pulling him down, whispered just on the elf’s ear, “Zeon, take me.”

Then at last, Zeon complied, “I will.”

2012-01-18T03:12:00.001+11:00

I think...

I think

I'm

Broken.

2012-01-18T03:08:00.002+11:00

It is raining harshly outside
A perfect atmosphere to cry
If only I could shed a tear

2012-01-18T02:51:00.002+11:00

Why does it hurt?
I keep thinking that I'm never good enough
Everything that I do has no meaning
I am disappointed in myself
I am disappointed in the world

And I just want to give up

I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this
But I don't know how to stop this

The more I try to be more...
more... what?
I don't know.
Just. More.

Less of this feeling.
More of something else.

I just have no strength... to have that more.
I don't know what to do
All I know is that I'm wallowing in self-pity
And I can't snap out of it

I hate myself
I hate the world

That's the only feeling I have
Hate.

I hate feeling hate.
But still don't know how to stop it.

I have lost count on how many times I just want to lie down on my bed
Wondering if I could just wither and die.

So tired of feeling like this.
And so tired to be alive.

Maybe I just need to kill myself.
Seeing that no matter what I do
I'll end up in hell anyway.

2012-01-13T02:42:00.001+11:00

In 2020
Lions, leopards, and all the likes
Would probably become mythical creatures

Sweet things#1

2012-01-12T03:17:00.001+11:00

I know nothing is perfect in this world
But if I have you, it is pretty close!
And that is good enough for me.

2011-11-21T15:35:00.002+11:00

Fesca:

"I find it enticing... the way that you were pushing me, denying me from my pleasure, drawing it out... slowly... surely... the way that you stole my ability to speak... the way that you tore away my breaths... until there was nothing of me but to sigh out your name from my lips... until I was completely under your mercy... trapped in between not wanting the intoxicating tremors under my skin to end and wishing that you would claim every inch of me, devour my entire being..."

Haiku for a week - Day 7

2011-11-07T21:58:00.003+11:00

I crave sleeping, playing video games
Studying smashes me like hammer
Sick of it; want to stop

LAST DAY OF HAIKU CHALLENGE, FINALLY. I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN.

Haiku for a week - Day 6

2011-11-06T05:24:00.002+11:00

Looking through my collection of writings
Lack of passion shamelessly bare
Apathy engulfs the much needed emotions

Haiku for a week - Day 5

2011-11-05T21:44:00.001+11:00

Sunday, Monday left on the plate
Still have CHAPTERS to read
Don't know if I can do this

Haiku for a week - Day 4

2011-11-05T00:26:00.002+11:00

Why did I even think it
This disastrous game of Haiku
Need my brain for those exams

Haiku for a week - Day 3

2011-11-04T01:11:00.001+11:00

Snark, sarcasm, being a jerkass
Part of my strange social codes
I follow them; honor before reason

Rule of 'Haiku for a week' - revised as of today
1. Do it consecutively for 7 days
2. No less than 11 words
3. No more than 17 words
4. Arrange it in 3 lines

Guilty of breaking it.

Haiku for a week - Day 2

2011-11-02T22:30:00.002+11:00

Ignore the date. Posted in GMT+7, but the setting stays at GMT+10

Procrastination at its best
Mind never dwells; always scanning
Time ticks like nobody's business

Haiku for a week - Day 1

2011-11-02T01:20:00.005+11:00

try#1 - countered by this:

A troll trolling a troll
Pointless never-ending game
TROLLFACE

try#2 - continuation to this:

thus KILL IT WITH FIRE
prevent spawning
you cursed trolls you!

2011-10-07T00:06:00.004+11:00

You've turned into this a while ago,
not sure at what point in time
You suppose it's a foolish thing,
yet it's just your defense towards anything

Maybe it's just the way that you think
'by not getting too attached with things,
it is easier to let go and not feel sad about it'

But then you can't feel passionate towards anything

You told yourself,
"I don't really want something that badly."
That also means that,
you will exert no extra work towards anything

It's sad and foolish,
but you don't know how to change it.

2011-07-10T11:23:00.000+10:00

you try your best to be grateful, after all you still have food on your plate, shelter above your head, clothes to keep you warm. but you know you're losing yourself, you start to wonder whether it's all worth it. you pray with all your might so that you won't lose your faith, so that you won't turn away from Him, but the world has its own agenda to throw these rocks at you that you feel like you're trapped, that you're suffocating. 'don't let me lose sight of You' you keep repeating in your prayers, almost like a broken record, while you are being eaten a little by little and you just try to survive, try to push away the thoughts of death. you don't need to be told to have more faith, all you want is a shoulder to cry on, but there's no shoulder to cry on. you keep saying to yourself that life isn't supposed to be this hard because you have Him. but you're losing it. you're losing yourself. you don't know what will become of you anymore.

2011-06-18T11:15:00.003+10:00

You had wondered if you wanted to be with that person. The thoughts of living together, the thoughts of waking up beside each other. You thought about laughing and telling the other to go brush the teeth and had the same exact reply. But then you knew it was not going to be with that person.

There would be nothing more between you two. It would be always you who felt more, cherished more. And you just knew that someday it would all crumble down again, like how it happened previously. The difference would be that there would be nothing to salvage anymore because you were already too emotionally invested to forgive.

You thought of what you wanted. You wanted to love, and to be loved. You wanted to give, and take. Those are the kind of loop that you had always wanted, and you were sure you would never receive it from that person.

So there would be nothing for you but to break the news.

That you would never, ever... be with that person in that way.

But you were sure that the person would have realized already, and you did not bother to say anything.

2011-02-15T22:10:00.001+11:00

At time like this, I really want to hit your head once or twice.

If you don't want me, then don't play with my heart.

You already did, once.

2011-02-14T22:55:00.000+11:00

It's just that time again when I feel like everyone is so sickening.

2010-12-04T11:03:00.006+11:00

He tastes like chocolate. Must be something he ate before.

He has this... strawberry smell. Cakes? Cookies? Pudding? ...something?

I don't particularly like sweet things and this taste is overwhelming.

It's. Too. Sweet.

I break the kiss.

"What the hell did you just eat?"

He looks confused for a second and then scoffs.

"I beg your pardon?" he smiles slightly.

"It's too sweet. The taste."

He laughs.

"It is funny that you just realized it now."

...what the hell does that mean?

"I eat sweets all the time."

...oh.

I guess, then...

I just start noticing things about you.

2010-12-03T00:43:00.002+11:00

"You're lonely."

A pause. A question. "...pardon me?" Rhetorical.

"You come here all the time to fuck, because you're lonely."

A scoff. Sounds fake.

"I know I'm right."

"Sure you are." Tremble in the sarcasm.

"It's no use hiding it, I can smell it miles away."

Silence.

"Not that I mind, of course. Sex is still sex."

A slight flinch. Noticeable. "Good, then." Sarcasm again, but defeated.

Silence.

"You're a good fuck."

Another flinch. "So are you." Trembling.

"So... are you going to leave or do you want to cuddle? The latter is not preferred."

"I already realize that."

Silence.

Until next time.

2010-12-02T22:54:00.002+11:00

"I love you."

I brush away his fringes. His sleeping face is so peaceful. I caress his cheek, listening to his steady breaths.

"I love you."

These whispers I have repeated, I know he will never hear.

"I love you."

It's fine this way, after all I can't bear it... if these words are to be heard. This is too cliche. This is not my style.

"I love you."

But I want to say it.

"I love you."

It's just me. Confessing. My heart.

"I love you."

And it's just you.

"I love you."

You.

"I love you."

Only you.

Fesca Havenstarr.

But it will always be my own little secret.

2010-11-28T23:43:00.007+11:00

You see it coming. Long before your brother even says it. You cannot deny the warmth you see in those eyes, the happiness you see on his face. You already know that he is love-struck. You already know that soon he will drift away from you, and you cannot do anything about it.

“I think… I think I’m going to propose her…”

You congratulate him. You say that you are happy for him and that she will definitely accept his proposal. Your brother’s face beams with happiness and a tinge of shyness and you cannot help but to feel abandoned. However, you know it is for the best.

His lady will stand beside him, match with him so perfectly that you would think that the gods molded them together from the start.

When he departs from your chamber, you have this urge to turn the table upside down, but you resist. You keep telling yourself that this will happen. You try to reason by saying you cannot keep your brother for yourself and that he deserves happiness.

You scold yourself by being too needy, but how are you supposed to feel when the memories of your dying mother keep haunting you. How are you supposed to push away the betrayed sting when your father leaves you to be with your mother’s murderer.

Your brother is the only one you trust.

You convince yourself that you can still talk to your brother anytime, that he will still be around. You keep forcing the thought that one lady will not be in between you and your brother.

Yet, you know it is no use. You know your brother will soon have his own family and his time and energy will prioritize his little family first and you second.

You keep telling yourself that you are a king and a king must be independent. You keep repeating it over and over again.

Then you realize that being a king has converted you to this lonely person.

You give up thinking and throw yourself on your bed, wishing all of this is just a dream, but you know it is not true.

---

You meet him one day, out of the blue, out of nowhere. Your mind quickly alerts you that he is trespassing and that he may have stolen some important documents. You lash to him so swiftly and are surprised that the thief – the title you dub in a split second – reacts to your movements as promptly as yourself and dodges your attack.

You give him a chase, trying to outsmart him but he persists. You can feel the corner of your lips move. You think that this is exciting. The chase, the adrenaline, the fast beat of your heart. For a moment or two, you feel strangely alive.

You think that this pursue is like dancing. You anticipate his steps, his movements and somehow you imagine that both of you move in synch, attacking and evading, pulling back and pushing forward, your sword clashing with his dagger.

You see him clearly despite the night. You keep pursuing him, not so much to capture him anymore, but just for the rush, the thrill that you have never experienced before. Then you lose a split second to react and he comes close, very close that you have no chance to avoid.

Everything stops.

It takes a while for your mind to register that it is not an attack. You cannot comprehend that your lips come into contact with his lips. A kiss. From a thief. You step back harshly, covering your mouth with your palm.

You can feel the heat rising up on your face, and that you know that you are blushing. You cannot even continue your chase; your mind is strangely blank. You can only watch as the thief slips away, leaving you alone with rapid beating heart.

You come back to the room to find out that you managed to fend the thief off before he could steal anything.

Nevertheless, he, indeed, stole something from you.

Something that you will never have back.

---

You meet him again a week or so later, in a dance performance of the circus you have hired for your people. He is in different form, different outfit, but your delicate senses pick it up. You curse at the fact that you are unable to give him a second chase, being a king confined to his seat.

Silently, you watch him, trying to think of him as a performer and not as the thief.

As he delivers his performance, you now know why it was easy for him to evade your attacks. You note the precise steps of the dance, the perfect timing and beat. You recall the time when you are pursuing him, how it is similar to this dance.

You see the beauty of his routine, the way he sways and swirls. You find yourself in awe like every person who watches the act. Somehow, you lose your will to capture him for his violation even though it is very grave and he should be punished to death.

You cannot help but to feel disappointed when the music concludes and the people start on clapping, shouting their praises; secretly wishing that it never ends so you can watch him dancing forever, being so entranced with the splendor.

You call forward your butler and instruct that the dancer is to be brought to the audience hall immediately. Your butler seems taken aback but a strict scowl from you cuts his questions short, which is precisely what you need.

---

You finally see him without the mask of the night, the thief who trespassed into the palace, and the one who stole your first kiss. He greets you formally, his gaze alert. You question him of his purpose though you already know that the man will not reveal anything.

You remind him of his violation and that the punishment is death, yet somehow you declare that you are giving him a chance as long as he tells you about the person behind the plan. As you have expected, he does not answer your question.

You tell yourself it does not matter. After all, it is not your intention to capture him.

Faking a sigh, you tell him that you will allow him to go as long as he does not try again, and that you will feel burdened with regrets if you have to put a death sentence to a very talented dancer. You continue that his dance brought so much happiness to your people, hiding the fact that you are the one who was being entranced.

You command him to go, but before he steps away, you ask for his name.

“My name is Kevoz, your majesty.”

You surprise yourself by replying that you will remember his name.

2010-11-03T21:26:00.003+11:00

Fesca remembered.

He remembered what happened back then, and how it had affected him in such a shameful way. His mind was quick to replay the scenes very vividly that he felt like he was put in that situation all over again. No matter how hard he tried to push the thoughts away, his mind always trailed back to that wretched situation.

It was when he was manipulated entirely until there was nothing left in him but to degrade himself and be reduced to a pathetic, wanton whore.

He slammed his fist on the desk.

He remembered.

He was spread wide. His private part was shown clearly, hard and wet. He was trembling, moaning, pleading with all his might to be relieved.

He whimpered shamelessly when he was touched. His body shivered as the hands were exploring him, groping him. He moved to coax those movements to be bolder, faster, rougher.

He remembered begging.

He remembered stroking himself in front that man’s eyes.

As if it was not enough, he remembered how he placed himself in such way that he was the one who allowed himself to be entered, taken.

Fucked.

Over and over again.

Just to make it worse, he found himself becoming aroused.

No. No! NO! You cannot want this!

The more he tried to deny it, the more he realized that he desired it.

“Beg me.”

He let out a whimper.

“You want this, so beg me.”

He hissed.

“You want to be fucked hard, don’t you? Just admit so. Then who knows…”

He bit his lower lip.

“I might just do that.”

He remembered.

“Fuck you real hard.”

That time.

“Just the way you want it.”

Very vividly.

“Yes, just the way you want it.”

He could never forgive himself for allowing himself to be taken by his lust. He had begun touching himself, quick, rough. His imagination was of those scenes, when he was a slave of his lust.

Zeth.

Zeth.

Zeth!

He remembered.

He could never forget.

He could never possibly forget.

He wanted Zeth.

Badly.

And he would have it. Just the way he wanted it.

2010-10-09T22:00:00.003+11:00

I can feel his twitches whenever I thrust in him, hard, rough, raw. Each of my thrust tears a groan from his vocal chord. His breathes are quick; sometimes he stops breathing before he breaths out a desperate sigh of my name. His fingers claw on my arm, just near the joints of my elbows.

The room smells like sweats and cums. Gods know how many times we've done it, and honestly I don't care, not when he's in this state.

He came and just attacked without mercy.

'I want you now.' he had growled as he pinned me on the bed.

'I want you to take me hard.' he growled even more, while kissing me hungrily and stripping his clothes at the same time.

Who was I to refuse a whore who asked to be fucked?

So here we are. I'm ramming into him over and over, hitting him on that spot where he can feel it the most. And he writhes, my fucking gods he writhes and moans. His flushed face and his watery eyes make me insane and I can feel this burning desire in me to just continue fucking him raw like this, keep torturing him until he's just this mess, pleading mess.

"...close....... I........ahh!" his insides clutch me so tightly it makes me lightheaded.

I grab his trembling cock and hold him there, "Not... so..... nghh... fast....!" He whimpers and squirms a bit.

I want more. I want more!

I keep ramming into him, he moans even more, and he can't even finish his own pleas, his vocabulary is reduced to just a single vowel.

"Ple......ah....ah!"

We stop only for a little while, before he starts again, this time he just rides me, and he rides me hard. I have to grab his hip to slow him down. It feels like he's milking me dry... goddamn. He finally lets me control his pace, but I actually find it distracting that he's starting to touch himself. It takes my all to stop myself from coming.

His face above me is just so priceless. If I tell him how slutty he looks right now, he will kill himself for sure. Maybe kill me beforehand.

I don't know why tonight he's so insatiable.

But honestly, I don't fucking care.

2010-09-24T01:41:00.002+10:00

As I wonder, and keep wondering... all those strong feelings I had for you had made me write all my heart's content.

When I wanted to stop, and eventually did... I realized it was gone.

All those emotions which turned to words, all of those were gone.

Not to say that I wanted you back... because having you out from my heart had done good to it.

I'm just sad that I'm turning into this uncreative, mechanical person.

But of course we can't always get everything that we want.

2010-08-16T17:47:00.002+10:00

God, I hope this is not one of Your 'bullies build your character' moment.

2010-06-14T23:18:00.002+10:00

I'm so sick with all of these. So tired with all of these. Frustration. Depression. Stress. Annoyance. There are times that I wish that I would die. I wish everyone else would die. Why do I have to keep this facade? I am not happy. I am not cheerful. I hate you. I don't trust you. You and your talk about God. He is so faraway from me that I wonder how deep I've fallen into this disappointment. Have I become this faithless being? I want you. I want you. I need you. I fucking need you. You're the only one I believe in. You're the only thing that make me believe that everything's okay. Why the hell you're so faraway? Why the hell we're divided by this sea?! Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me... I'm breaking down yet again. Help me help me help me HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

2010-04-22T11:08:00.002+10:00

Why do I try so hard?

I want to make my parents happy.
I want to see people smile.
'Thank you' makes me happy.
I want to be needed.

Why?

Maybe something good will happen to me when I try so hard.

Maybe.

But there's nothing more I want than a simple warmth to help me through my every day.

I haven't found that yet.

And then I keep on trying so hard.

Why do I keep on trying so hard?

Because maybe.

I can be with you.
Someone will love me.

I can have some warmth.

But there's nothing more I want than to just sleep and never wake up.

...and yet I keep on trying so hard.

Ugh.

2009-11-28T23:54:00.002+11:00

I know I don't want to.
I know you don't want to.

But I still want you.
Just a little.

Not strong enough to make you mine again.

Not selfish enough to cage you again.

Not hopeful enough to love you again.

Please stay like we are now.

Because I know this is the only thing that we both can handle.

Anything less, I can't.

Anything more, you can't.

So... let's just stay... like we are now.

2009-11-18T21:14:00.002+11:00

I played you like a fool, I did
I knew your eyes looked at me differently
I knew your voice carried this special gentleness

But I had never looked at you the way that you had
My heart had never beat strangely around you

There was comfort and nothing more
You were my friend and nothing more

I knew, and I played myself as the blind
I had never tried to see more, I had realized what was there

Alas, alas, I had never wished to go further

I had told myself, that if I didn't know then it was nothing
And it was perfect, for me, not for you

I was selfish, and childish
But couldn't we stay the way we were?

Your feeling was a burden

That was why I did
not
want
to
know.

But you said it anyway.

2009-09-18T21:09:00.003+10:00

You wondered why it wasn't you. You stood in the sideways, wishing how you two should have been together. You simply couldn't believe that it wasn't meant to be, because you knew that your heart bled so much for this person. You couldn't believe that the person wasn't for you, because you remembered how you longed for those touches, that smile, that warmth. But it still wasn't you. The person was still not with you. You stood alone, wondering if only things could be different. If only, if only, if only, there was denial here and there. You knew you were grasping the feeling too hard, but that was the only feeling that made you feel alive. You hated how it killed you and yet revived you. You hated how you were supposed to end it, but then your mind was filled fully by that person. You wish you could just hit your head to the wall so you could forget everything. But you didn't want to forget. You didn't want to forget those little sweet things, sweet nothings, sweet somethings. You were afraid that if you forgot those things then everything would be gone, and you had nothing to hold on. You were afraid that if you let go, then you would die, you would feel nothing. You were afraid of feeling empty. You were afraid of being lonely. So you kept on holding, holding, holding so tightly that you made yourself bleed. You held on for whatever was left, be that a little love, be that hatred. Just something, desperately. Because at least you could feel that you were alive.

You lost count on how many times you choked on your own feelings. All you could remember was that stinging pain in your chest that you thought it was a cardiac arrest. You desperately tried to reach that someone, hoping, wishing, all with that gripping in your heart. Even though it felt like someone pulled out your heart, stabbed it with a lot of blades and punched it back into your ribcage, you still kept on going, loving, maybe not loving, just feeling. You cursed on how idiotic you were, but you continued with your obsession. You swore to stop, but you were addicted with that sting. Why it couldn't be you? No one would love more than you. You were the one who loved the most, cherish the most. But you still weren't the one. You asked why why why. No one answered your why why why. The world laughed at you, no, maybe not laughed, just stayed in silence, in their apathy. You blamed the world, you blamed the Great Up There, you blamed the one you loved, then you blamed yourself, again, again, again. Why did you fall? Why did you meet? Why did you go there where you met that person? Why did you even exist?

Then, you finally gave up.

2008-11-29T23:45:00.001+11:00

Bosan.

2008-11-25T23:40:00.003+11:00

"Hi...

...it's me.

Yup. That's right.

......
...
.
.
.
.
.

It's funny...

I wanted to tell you a lot of things.

But when I finally heard your voice...

Everything just went blank.

.....
...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I wonder...

Can I love you once more...?

No, don't answer.

I already knew that it will be 'no'.

But I said it anyway.

It's stupid, isn't it? Ha ha!

...
.
.

...don't talk.

...
.
.
.

I just miss you.

That's all.

...
.
.
.
.

All right... I guess...

...
.
.
.
.

Bye."

2008-11-23T22:48:00.002+11:00

kucari bayanganmu

sekecil apapun itu di sel otakku

demi mendengar suaramu yang ilusi

untuk menyentuh hangatmu yang tiada

kamu

masih kamu

di kala kusadar

tetap kamu

tapi tak tergapai

'kita'

2008-11-12T23:13:00.001+11:00

Aku masih.

Kamu.

Tapi.

---

Fuck. How I want to cry after I wrote this.

I still love you, damn it.

I am a stupid fucking idiot.

An Un-made Phone Call

2008-10-28T19:58:00.003+11:00

"Hi. ...it's me.

How's life?

...that's good.

I've been busy too.

But I'm happy.

...I'm sure you are too.

...It's strange, isn't it...

that after all this time...

I still miss you.

...hey.

I... am sure that you...

...already know...

...yeah, I won't.

I won't come back.

Even though I miss you so much.

...thanks for picking up.

Bye..."

2008-10-15T21:00:00.006+11:00

I had a dream about you.

I was sitting in a train.

I was sitting with my friends.

But the seat facing me was empty.

Then you came and sat on that seat.

My mind cursed at your sudden appearance.

Yet I saw you smiling at me.

And I could not help but to smile back at you.

You extended your right hand to shake mine.

But I grasped your hand with my left hand instead.

I did not let go.

You were smiling.

And I was smiling as well.

I grasped your hand slightly tighter.

We did not say anything to each other.

I heard the voice in my head.

"I missed you...
I hoped you knew.
By that slightly tighter grasp."

You smiled still.

I smiled still.

We still said nothing.

But, there was warmth in your gaze.

I know the same warmth was in mine.

And then I woke up.

And I realized.

I would never be able to meet you.

2008-10-06T22:56:00.001+11:00

Aku akan memaafkanmu.

Pasti.

2008-09-24T21:50:00.003+10:00

I know the reason you kept me around.

Not because I loved you.

Not because I was different.

Not because you needed me.

But you fed on my misery.

You kept me around for my misery.

And being addicted to it.

In return, I was addicted to my own.

Being with you was my misery.

Being with you was nearly my cardiac arrest, and yet I kept on going.

Because even though I felt like dying, it was the worst and best I would ever feel.

And I didn't want to lose it.

So I kept you around.

You kept me around.

We existed to make other miserable, and although it felt like it was suffocating, we kept each other close.

You fed me by meeting my demands.

I fed you by my misery of wanting you more and more.

Our relationship was based on addiction.

Why did I just realize it now?

Because I was sitting, watching my show... and I thought.

'I want to be with you even though I'll die of heart attack because of this miserable feeling of unrequited love.'

And you... you would stay. To feed on that, my misery.

That was the only reason I had that was the best and most logical for describing our relationship.

2008-09-14T01:25:00.000+10:00

I hate shoujo mangas that have vague or realistic ending; they don't let me dream.

2008-09-14T00:16:00.002+10:00

I want to say 'why do you look really cool even though you're only changing your clothes?' to my future husband.

2008-09-13T23:45:00.000+10:00

I think rubber ducky is so cute.

2008-09-13T20:00:00.000+10:00

Honestly, strangest people always talk to me.

2008-09-02T23:01:00.000+10:00

It's his fault... not mine. Not mine. Not mine. Definitely not mine. He's the one sleeping on the sofa. He's the one falling asleep when reading the legal papers. Not mine. It's his fault looking very different than he usually is. He's the one who unbuttons the collar of his shirt, and falls asleep. Not me. Not me. He's the one looking so cute that...

I can't resist to touch his chin, and his neck. It's his fault that his skin is so... soft. It's his fault that even though his skin is so soft, he has taut muscles. His fault that he sighs. His fault that he shifts.

His fault that now I'm hiding just behind the sofa so he can't see me. And thank gods that he doesn't notice I'm there. His fault. His fault. Not mine.

Go back to sleep already.

2008-09-02T22:46:00.000+10:00

"You're staring at me."

She smiles slightly, before she turns away.

Her bare shoulder is showing a little, uncovered by the blanket.

It's strange that the little curve is so adorable, and I find myself staring.

I hear a chuckle.

"You're staring at me."

2008-09-01T22:55:00.001+10:00

DA!

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DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~!

Man I must be really bored.

2008-08-23T19:40:00.001+10:00

I'm tired of being lonely.

I want you.

I want you.

Except that I don't.

And neither do you.

2008-08-22T23:14:00.002+10:00

I think I'm already dead inside.

Or had I locked my heart too hard?

Nothing can enter, and nothing can exit.

It's just my heart, and the things contained in it.

You.

Again, you.

You're the one who killed me.

You're the one who made me lock my heart.

But you, again, you.

You're the only one I wish to unlock this heart.

You. And no one else.

2008-07-28T22:02:00.002+10:00

I know if I met you, then this heart of mine would beat strangely.

I might have thrown away what we used to have, but my heart remembers you.

To meet you and not feel something more, it would be impossible.

Because my heart remembers you.

As if nothing ever changed.

2008-07-26T16:51:00.003+10:00

Let me tell you a story about a girl with a frozen heart, the one who wishes so dearly to meet someone who will melt her heart. She was once a joyful girl, always with smiles even though some hardships were in her way. Then she was in love. Then she was brokenhearted.

That time, her heart had become cold. She started to guard her heart from anything that could break it. Even though people perceive her as a girl who is approachable and mostly happy, no one can enter her heart, for it is frozen cold and locked tight.

She is a girl with smiles, and yet she is detached from the world.

But she believes that someday, there will be someone who will love her as she is, and she will love that someone the same way.

2008-07-04T23:20:00.003+10:00

Ugh. Why do I still think of you?

I don't miss you anymore. Definitely don't love you anymore too.

But you're like a fungus that stays in my brain.

2008-06-26T23:59:00.002+10:00

I was so in love with you. (Not anymore now)

But I want to remember no more. (Then again I only remember your name)

Today is your birthday. (It is)

It is such a bad day for me. (Work is tiring)

You. (Yeah you)

I hate missing you. (Wait a minute...)

On the second thought,nope, I don't miss you at all. (That sounds more correct)

I just intentionally forget your birthday. (Yup)

Though I feel bad. (Do I?)

A little. (Yeah, not much)

2008-06-22T19:13:00.001+10:00

I wonder if I should 'accidentally' forget your birthday again.

I suppose I should.

2008-06-12T22:54:00.000+10:00

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

Sway - The Perishers

2008-06-03T20:57:00.003+10:00

I was so desperately in love with you.

2008-05-01T22:26:00.001+10:00

I'm not yet ready to allow someone into my heart.

I will lock my heart for a while more.

2008-04-28T21:17:00.001+10:00

I'm still not ready...

2008-04-18T21:09:00.002+10:00

I find everything uninteresting
I am not attached to anything
I am not loyal to anything

I feel nothing more than annoyed
And everything is taxing

I am alive but mostly dead inside

If I was blessed with a long life,
and my long life was boring,

I guess I would just

pop in some sleeping pills
more than the dosage needed
to cure insomnia

Can I have a damn dog now?
I need to feel.

2008-04-16T22:19:00.002+10:00

I do think of you from time to time

I want to achieve indifference

but I doubt I will be able to

I still care about you in some way

Not exactly love

Definitely not hate

I think that is good enough

is it not?

2008-04-07T16:46:00.002+10:00

I hope we can be friends again.

I don't know if you want to.

But I hope we can be friends again.

Or at least, I hope we can end the term better.

2008-04-05T00:48:00.001+11:00

Busy.

No time to think, therefore no time to be depressed.

Because thinking is being depressed.

No time, no thinking, no depression.

WHICH IS GOOD.

REAL GOOD.

2008-03-26T15:25:00.002+11:00

"Because, you see..."

Leans down. Whispering.

"I like you."

Straightens up. "That's it."

"What's that for?"

Hands circling on arm.

"You know what?"

"I like you too."

===

KAPAN?!

ANJRID.

2008-03-24T02:39:00.002+11:00

Do you miss me?

I miss you sometimes.

But that's about it.

I'm still trying to forgive you.

Because I don't want to be angry at you anymore.

You are still precious.

But that's about it.

2008-03-20T02:17:00.002+11:00

It's empty.

Still empty.

Waiting for it... to be filled... again.

By someone. By something.

I just hope... that it will be good. Nice.

Beautiful.

I can survive a while more.

Until it comes.

2008-03-18T00:56:00.002+11:00

The heart beats
once, twice, thrice

Your name seeped through
in between those beats

Whispers, gentle words
Memories, past illusion

And then what
And then what more

Mind was emptied
Lips was pursed

I refuse to remember
Yet I allow to call your name

That was it
And nothing more

2008-03-14T01:52:00.002+11:00

忘れたい。　あなたの事。　私たちの事。

全てが忘れたい。　だけど、全ては緒わらなそう。　私の心の中だけに。

なぜ。

あの時、あなたの言葉は私の心が殺した。

でもまだ、忘れない。　あなたの暖かい手。　あなたの声。　あなたの目。

私たちのキス。　私たちの抱きしめ。

もう。

忘れたい。　全て。

あなたの事。　私たちの事。

きつすだけが感じる。

もう。　忘れたい。

2008-03-12T23:18:00.002+11:00

Because I like to sit in the darkness and silence of night
And you, you nothing you, don't have the right to disturb

You, you nothing you.
And I.
We are nothing.

So let me sit in the silence, in the darkness
It is enough. I am content.
Don't you dare to speak.

Let me, just let me drown.
Because it is soothing.

I don't need you.
Leave me be.

Because you are still nothing.

When you're something more,
then you have the right.

But now?
No. Nothing.
So, leave me be.

Don't need your jokes.
Don't need your words.
Don't need your attention.

Just leave me.
Leave me.

2008-03-10T01:01:00.000+11:00

Once upon a time, there was a princess.

The princess had no castle that she was confined out from the harsh world. There were no maids and butlers to aid her every needs. Her food was not cooked by the country's most famous chef.

Nevertheless, she was a princess. At night, she sultrily moved with the wind, walk that was alike of waltzing. Her movement was graceful and grand. She was a silent princess, and in her silence, she was a divine creature.

She was a princess of night. Her hair was as dark as the moonless sky. Her eyes were piercing deep like you were about to be sucked in mercilessly. Her pale skin made her look like a porcelain, fragile and had to be taken with utmost care.

But she was not such princess.

For she, was a princess of blades. For she, had bathed in blood of her victims. For she, had struck countless targets to meet their demise.

She was a princess.

That was a name people saw on her card, which was rarely seen if a person did not desire something so much that a dirty tactic must be used.

She was a princess. An assassin princess.

Tales had been told of her that before she was truly a princess, one that was pure and innocent. Tales had been told of her that before she was loved by every soul.

Just what had transformed her?

Tales had said something about love.

Once upon a time, the princess was in love, they said. Her eyes shone bright, her cheeks were flushed pink. She sent her smiles and happiness away in the air. She had presented the giddy feeling that you could see from her face.

Ah yes, the princess was in love.

Then the tales said something about tragedy.

That was the time when her brightness vanished. She was no longer the princess that every people knew and loved. But she was still a princess.

Even though she was not dearly loved, but as one who to be feared.

She was not a murderer. She was a princess. She carried her duties. Her duties required her to murder.

And so, she murdered. But she was still a princess.

A princess who did not stay in the palace, that she was. She was a princess of shadow. You knew that she was there, but you did not give a second thought to acknowledge her.

She was a princess of night. She was hidden from light, and unpredictable as darkness. And let us not forget that she was a princess of blades.

Because the next thing you would know probably your flashes of your whole life. Then nothing.

What made her turn into such princess?

"Love, my dear," a bartender confirmed.

"She had mentioned about love and the pains it brought."

"How to love someone with your whole heart and being crushed until you are nothing more than dust."

"She was bitter."

The bartender was silent for a while, then continued, "I asked her if she regretted it."

Did she?

No, she did not.

She had grown stronger, stronger than any person you had known your entire life. Probably because you would be dead a second after.

So who was this love of hers?

"I regret having to tell you that I have no idea."

"Other than, she said there would be a day where her blades would be swing for the last time."

She was a princess of duty. Her duty was to murder. If someday her blades swung for the last time, would it be to slay her once beloved?

It happened during midday.

"I loved you."
"I knew."
"I still love you."
"I know."
"But you betrayed me."
Silence.
"You meant a world to me, and knowing that, you still went betraying me."
Silence.
"You asked me to stay. I stayed."
Silence.
"You said you needed me. I believed it."
Silence.
"You said you did not love me, but you wanted me around."
Silence.
"Did I matter at all?"
Silence.

The princess smiled. One scary smile.

"Of course that does not matter now. I need not your answer."

It was a shriek.

"Now, do you feel what my heart had felt?"

Then it was nothingness.

Once upon a time, there was no more a princess. There was a murderer.

2008-03-09T14:55:00.002+11:00

Kampred. Pengen gua delete aja ini blog. Tapi... OH PUISI2KU... Dudul. Dasar kalo emang uda artist pasti nyentrik. Padahal isinya juga ga bagus2 amat, tapi sayang.

PENCURAHAN HATI DAN PIKIRAN.

Ugh.

2008-03-08T22:11:00.004+11:00

It was to love like no other

To kiss like you are hungry of another

To touch as if the warmth will shield you from the cruelty of the world

Note: Written on a BLACK paper, in BLACK ink. How could I read it? Put the fucking paper near the fucking light bulb. Why did I write it? Dunno, must be the emo mood.

Another note: Written during computer-less, and internet-less. Go figure. Didn't remember when I wrote this shit. Must be sometime in late Feb.

2008-03-02T01:01:00.000+11:00

To love you with all my heart
Was something I couldn't do anymore
Distrust had interlaced with the pure love
And there were us

I tried to love you more
You loved me, as that, and nothing more
I wanted more, but I didn't want more
Then it went wrong

We falsely accused each other
Judging, pointing fingers
It was you
No, it was me
It was both of us
More to you
No, more to me

We went wrong
Somewhere along the way I lost my trust
Somewhere along the way you became tired
It was hatred
Obsession
Ego

It was my ego
To prove to you that no matter what
I would never leave you

There were words
Your words
They marked deep in my heart
Each time it bled
Each time

But it was my ego
That kept us close

Until that time when my ego shattered
And there were nothing
Nothing more
Only less

written: 27-02-08, 11:25 PM

Namamu

2008-03-02T00:56:00.001+11:00

Aku masih mengingatmu seperti saat itu,
walau sudah banyak terkikis

Gerakmu adalah suatu yang istimewa,
yang kulihat ketika aku melayangkan pikiran

Napasmu berirama begitu lambat namun halus,
yang tanpa sadar aku ikuti dengan hembusan napasku

Emas tak cukup berharga untuk membeli kenangan ini,
aku berharap demikian juga yang kaurasa

Salahkah, salahkah aku yang mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tahu,
tanpamu berperasaan sama

written: 10-02-08, 1 AM

2008-01-16T19:02:00.000+11:00

It felt like dying

In the midst of my illusion
I tasted you, I touched you
I heard your voice
It was my name

Huskily, softly
It was my name

Then it was you
Only you and nothing else

Dim light
Cold breeze
Then there were us

I touched you
You touched me

I felt you
You felt me

Our fingers
Our lips
Our skin

Your voice
My voice

I wish it would be forever
Then it was vanishing

No, wait, I said
Please just a while more, I said

But illusion was vanishing

And there was nothing

And it felt like dying.

2008-01-15T08:22:00.000+11:00

I thought I was about to die
But no, I'm still pretty much alive

2008-01-11T19:54:00.000+11:00

Why am I still missing you?
It was already a long time ago.
I shouldn't have dwelt in this longing.

But I miss you still...
Just for one slight moment, I'd like to embrace you.
Just one slight moment and nothing more.

It's over... it's over...
It's painful to admit that it's over...

2008-01-08T22:14:00.001+11:00

"But... I love you."
"I know. But... I don't..."
"...can't you just lie?"
"I can... but then..."
"Yeah... then... what...?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing. But... I love you."
"I know."

2008-01-07T22:42:00.000+11:00

I don't think of you lately.
But when I do, that sting is still apparent.
Just a slight second, but it's very annoying.

I suppose, I should forget you, completely.
Without any traces left.

Then I won't feel that sting again.

2007-12-26T00:36:00.000+11:00

For the whole day, the thoughts about you didn't cross my mind.
I should do this more often, going out with those people.

300th Post

2007-12-20T23:53:00.000+11:00

I want to forget you.

I want to forget everything bad about you.
I want to forget everything good about you.

I want to forget all about you.

I want to remember nothing.
Nothing more about you.

The memories about you had tormented me so.
Good memories, bad memories, they are all the same.

I want to forget. Everything about you.

I don't want to hate. I don't want to love.
I want to 'nothing' you.

Nothing.

2007-12-20T15:49:00.001+11:00

Shoujo manga and I don't mix together.

Arrrghh... all the fluffiness is clutching my mind.

Must... write... something... fluffy...

*headwall*

Miserable Case of Longing.

2007-12-18T22:26:00.000+11:00

I want to forget.

*bang*

I want to forget.

*bang* *bang*

I. Want. To. Forget.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

I. Want. To. Just. FUCKING. FORGET.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* BANG*

Why can't I forget?! Why?!

*BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG...*

2007-12-18T14:03:00.000+11:00

In a way, I want to stop writing about you. But then, the thoughts about you will be in my mind.

This blog is to release whatever thoughts that I have of you. So then, for the rest of the day, I won't think of you that much. So then, I won't miss you that much.

Lately, I don't miss you so terribly like before.

I guess... I'm moving on. Slowly. But sure.

Five years officially and six years unofficially. I need a little more time, I suppose, to have you out of my system.

2007-12-18T13:57:00.000+11:00

I wonder how long more until I can finally close this blog.

This blog almost entirely talks about you.

I suppose the time I close this blog... will be the time that I completely move on.

You know...

Sometimes I'd like to be remembered.

Just for the good times that we had.

My regret is that... my feelings had hurt you so much.

I'm sorry.

If I could change it, I would probably just leave you before everything took turn for the worse.

But maybe that was better.

Then again... I could change nothing.

2007-12-16T23:55:00.000+11:00

It had been lonely without you.
But lately I managed to overlook it.

2007-12-16T23:45:00.000+11:00

Just for a while, I'd like to forget that time where everything fell apart
and have your arms around me and my head leaning on your shoulder
Just to feel a temporary warmth where I'd just enjoy your presence
and nothing more

Moving on from you is still the most difficult thing
It's nearly nine months now, but in a way I suppose I still love you

I tried to be bitter, but things weren't that ugly between us
Because I remember the little things that made you so sweet and kind
Those memories and emotions that had been my reason to keep on going

It might have been my ego.

But I'd like to believe that I did love you. Truthfully. Warmly.

I'm still trying to move on. Trying to heal.

When it completely healed...
then... I suppose we can smile to each other again...
without something more... from me.

So... here are they:
Happy birthday.
Merry Christmas.
Happy new year.
And many other greetings that I can't say to you for the next few years.

And for one last time. Let me say this:
I love you.

2007-12-15T22:31:00.001+11:00

Sebentar saja yah...
Aku pingin liat dia online di msn
...tanpa perlu aku unblock.
Terus abis itu nanti aku delete lagi.

"Mendingan jangan, goblok."

Berisik. Iya, aku ga add.

"Begitu kek."

Fuck you.

"Well fuck you too."

I'm glad you're there though.

"I'm always here."

Heran kenapa kamu annoying banget.

"Kalo ga, lo tetep jadi orang goblok."

Berisik.

"Makanya stop jadi orang goblok."

2007-12-15T22:26:00.000+11:00

Hei kamu.

Apa kamu masih percaya akan cinta?

Setelah kurusak segala impianmu akan cinta?

Tapi apakah itu adalah cinta dariku?

Aku percaya itu cinta.

Cinta yang terlalu posesif. Penuh obsesi.

Lalu, apakah itu cinta?

Ego, mungkin.

Egoku yang ingin membuktikan padamu.

Kalau aku mencintaimu terus menerus tanpa akhir.

Tak heran semuanya hancur, yah?

Tapi yang hancur itu malah jadi berkah.

Memang kita harus begini.

2007-12-12T01:47:00.000+11:00

Aku akan berjalan terus. Tanpamu.

2007-12-02T10:46:00.000+11:00

Aku benci kangen kamu. Benci suka kamu. Aku ingin lupa, tapi tak bisa lupa. Kuingat kamu terlalu jelas. Saat-saat kita masih bisa berada bersama di satu ruangan. Saat di mana aku suka kamu apa adanya, dan tidak lebih. Aku tak tahu di mana semua itu berubah menjadi lebih. Dan yang lebih itu yang meretakkan semua. Kalau aku tak berperasaan beda, kita masih jadi teman. Kalau aku tak jadi lebih, aku masih bisa jadi sahabatmu. Tapi kenapa itu jadi lebih? Kenapa aku ingin kamu? Perasaan yang terlalu kuat yang tak bisa dipendam, sejak kapan itu ada? Aku ingin mengingat semua sebagai kenangan yang indah, tapi kenangan indah membuatku berharap. Dan itu harapan yang hampa. Harapan yang harus sirna. Karena segala kenangan indah membuatku merasa lebih. Lebih. Yang kuingat adalah hangatmu. Yang kuingat adalah detakan jantungku saat kau menyentuhku. Yang kuingat adalah sesuatu yang lebih. Karena itu aku ingin lupa. Ingin lupa saat dimana aku menjadi lebih. Aku takut dengan apa yang kurasa. Takut kita kembali ke zaman itu. Aku tak mau itu. Dan aku tahu kamu tak mau itu. Sekarang kamu lebih bahagia. Sekarang kamu bebas. Aku tak mau merusak itu. Aku tak mau merusak dengan apa yang kurasa. Karena itu... karena itu aku tak mau bertemu denganmu lagi. Biarpun aku tahu kamu akan menerimaku kembali... aku tahu kamu akan menerimaku. Karena hatimu adalah baik. Sayang, hatiku tidak. Aku... aku hanya ingin pergi. Tak kembali. Aku ingin kamu bahagia. Tapi kamu tak akan bahagia bila aku ada. Karena itu... izinkan aku menghilang darimu... selamanya.

2007-12-01T12:12:00.000+11:00

HOLD IT! Did you mean that you are absolutely fine of having us meet again?

OBJECTION! I still can't meet you.

TAKE THAT! This is the piece of my heart that still has you inside.

You know you play too much Phoenix Wright when you can explain your personal experience with some tacky lines from the game.

That, or it's just me being bitter.

Why the hell did I write this again?

Must be all those last bits of High School Musical I watched just an hour ago.

2007-12-01T00:23:00.000+11:00

But right now I don't want to see you.

In the future I hope I will never see you again.

Not out of hatred, I assure you.

It's just easier this way.

2007-11-30T23:17:00.000+11:00

Good for you.

unsent sms

2007-11-28T23:00:00.000+11:00

"I tried. I tried to forget about you.
I can't. I still remember them. They're
too clear. Your warmth, your touches,
your smell, your taste, your voice.
I want to forget, all about you."

"Would you forgive me...?
For walking out on you even after
I said I wouldn't?"

"Do... you... want me back into
your life...? With the risks that
we would step back to square one?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry that it came to that."

"I'm sorry. That I felt differently."

"I'm sorry I couldn't stay as your
friend anymore. I'm sorry I left
you alone. I'm sorry... that I
couldn't trust you anymore.
I'm sorry I couldn't look past that
betrayal so long time ago."

2007-11-28T14:15:00.000+11:00

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.

And all the things that I wish I had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.

You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do

More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Snow Patrol, "You Could be Happy"

2007-11-26T14:37:00.000+11:00

Aching... my heart...

Why can't I cry my eyes out
then forget about everything
Why can't I just let it out completely
then I'll move on with my life
Without you, without your shadow

It's 2:38 PM, it's a sunny day
The day is too beautiful to feel this way
It is still too early to have this pain

Aching... my heart...

Please. It's enough.
Let me just forget.
Everything about you.
Everything about us.

I wish I could be as apathetic as you are.

I still ask why...
Why did it have to come to this.
Even though it was clear from the start

I'm still chasing over an illusion
As foolish as that is

Maybe it's easier if you're dead...
Maybe. Then I'd know that hope doesn't exist.

unsent sms

2007-11-25T20:58:00.000+11:00

"Hi. Are you still alive?
Of course you are.
Well... I'm just checking.
Ignore me."

"Didn't you know?
I miss you sometimes.
...it's stupid, isn't it?"

"...hey. I still remember
our dreams. I sometimes
think about it too. I wonder
if you still do too."

"Do you remember about
us? Did you feel happy at
least once? ...Did I matter?"

"Why did you hurt me that
time? Why did you do it if
you didn't mean it? Why did
you apologize, then said you
meant those stabbing words?"

"...I really want to talk to you.
But I'm afraid, really afraid
that somehow it will hurt me
in some sort."

"I'm sorry I lied when I said
that I would stay. It turned
out that... I wasn't strong
enough to ignore the pains."

"I still love you, you know.
In a way I hate myself for
staying like this. Such a way
that I still remember you,
that I still think you're the
most important person, and
yet by now, I'm pretty sure
that you've forcefully forgotten
all about me, about us."

"...I loved you. If only you knew.
I still love you. If only you know."

2007-11-24T22:36:00.000+11:00

This is not my hometown. But I don't want to go back anymore.

Because you are there. Because there will be a chance for use to meet when I step out from my house. Because it's an autonomous reaction of stabbing ache in my heart whenever I hear that phone rings.

Because it's painful to be at the same town as you are, but not being able to meet you, hear your voice, or touch you. Because it's painful to replay the memories at those places we usually met.

Because I'm afraid that I may fall in love with you all over again.

And because I'm ultimately afraid that you will reject me, once again.

So I won't ever. I won't ever return to my hometown.

2007-11-24T20:41:00.000+11:00

I feel like dying at the touch of your fingertips;
I feel like my heart quitting as your fiery embrace burns me.

2007-11-20T21:12:00.000+11:00

Know what.

I never wanted to leave you.

I did.

If only you could appreciate that just a bit.

Just a little tiny bit.

There would be one less of dead best friends.